What you’re really thinking: The pre-wedding contract

This is a pre-marriage agreement made by The Happy Bride [Who Is Not in A Mood but Can’t Plan This Whole Bloody Wedding Herself] and The Happy Groom [Who Swears He is Helping with The Wedding Planning but Doesn’t Want to Get in The Way].



As The Happy Couple start the exciting journey of wedding planning, the inevitable topic of budget arises. The Happy Bride has big ideas for their big day, with 32 Pinterest boards of #weddinginspo collated so far.

The Happy Groom is fairly certain weddings ‘cost no more than £1,000, if we’re careful’ and that it will all work itself out.

The Happy Bride decides it is best to let The Happy Groom think this for the time being and gets back to pinning elaborate floral displays from the birthday party of a Kardashian.



The Happy Bride decides it will be romantic to have a joint planning session of the wedding colours.

The Happy Couple will be surrounded by piles of wedding magazines on the designated Saturday afternoon, with The Happy Bride trying to decide whether ‘soft blush’ or ‘pink blush’ is more ‘them’.

The Happy Groom will nod along with all choices before The Happy Bride realises the football has been on the entire time and The Happy Groom has not so much as glanced at the fabric swatches.

The Happy Bride decides on ‘soft blush’; The Happy Groom agrees.



The Happy Couple collate a list of their dearest friends and family who they simply cannot imagine their day without.

The Happy Bride counts the list and is surprised to find they’re 176 guests over the venue’s capacity.

The Happy Couple spend two further hours discussing the negative traits of the majority of people on the list and The Happy Groom mistakenly reveals his dislike of one of The Happy Bride’s good friends.

The Happy Couple exchange some unhappy words before The Happy Bride admits she actually agrees with The Happy Groom’s harsh-but-true assessment of said unreliable friend (now downgraded to an acquaintance/non-wedding guest).



The Happy Couple receive an email from their wedding co-ordinator on the available wedding menu choices ahead of their first tasting.

The Happy Bride is in the middle of an in-depth research session of wedding invitation designs so decides to reply later.

On re-checking her emails, The Happy Bride is surprised to see The Happy Groom replied within three minutes with his selections without consulting The Happy Bride.

A strongly worded WhatsApp message is sent from The Happy Bride to The Happy Groom, to which The Happy Groom apologies, explaining he was hungry and just really enjoys a haggis bon-bon.



The Happy Groom’s childhood best friend has insisted that a Vegas stag do, complete with a luxury stay in a penthouse apartment for 10 days is a must-do and The Happy Groom agrees.

The Happy Bride laughs along at The Happy Groom’s hilarious joke before listing the reasons a Vegas stag is not sustainable.

After searching for Vegas accommodation and seeing the cost, The Happy Groom and his fellow skint stags opt for a two-night stay in a hostel in Prague.



After checking their bank account and assuming they’ve been victims of an elaborate scam, The Happy Couple realise their outgoings are legit and a budget plan is needed.

The Happy Groom promises to create an Excel sheet (which will remain incomplete post-wedding) and The Happy Bride scrambles through her emails to find out what they’ve spent so far.

Upon adding it up and seeing what they’ve yet to book, The Happy Couple wonder if it’s too late to elope.